the things i don't want to change, can not change, will not change
by minttulovesyou
Summary: "Disgusting", the stars tell him. Disgusting, Kurt agrees. drugs, don't like, don't read.


another one of the old fics lol ure welcome

* * *

_i. just tonight_

There's so much to lose and not much to gain but somehow Kurt finds himself doing it over again, one look from Blaine and he's gone, he has two pills in his mouth already and he can not not do this. Not now, when he's already halfway gone.

He's never asked him what the pills he has in his drawer are, just obeyed wordlessly when he asked Kurt to come closer, accepted Blaine's tongue in his mouth and embraced the dizziness gladly because that's what he wants and if he that's what he wants - then it's what he'll give to him.

Blaine giggles, sometimes. His pupils are blown wide, and sometimes Kurt likes to think it's because of him and not because of the pills, Blaine kisses him like there's no tomorrow, and Kurt imagines that the dust floating in the air is glitter, tangle his fingers in his hair and presses his back against a wall… And Blaine's mouth tastes a bit bitter, but like _him_, too, and Kurt takes what he gets and as he shoves his hand in Blaine's pants he whimpers and doesn't pull away but leans into the touch - and Kurt really doesn't mind.

The moon reflects in Blaine's soulful eyes, Kurt swallows his fear alongside with the small pill, his breath on his skin and flutter of his eyelashes against his cheekbones… It's half-live and they both know it, and Kurt can taste the blood on his tongue - and Blaine nips at Kurt's lip and Kurt can't help but vaguely wonder if he really needs drugs to do this.

And tonight, once again, when the sun falls they fly with the dying stars.

_ii. chocolate_

Kurt regrets it every time it happens.

But there is no fairies to fix what they've done, no time machines to take it back before it started, and he knows it. Blaine's eyes might be soft, but they want more, and when he pants _"more" _and _"please"_in sharp gasps of breath he tangles his hands in Blaine's hair and tugs, and even though he's the one starting it, he always wishes Blaine was the one stopping it.

The walls might be hard against his back, the moon stares at him judgmentally. Kurt stares back, trying not to moan when Blaine nips at his neck, tries to pretend he doesn't exist and breathes in fairy dust. "Disgusting", the stars tell him. _Disgusting_, Kurt agrees.

So, when it kicks, he swallows his tears and tries to look like he's okay, lies a little more through his teeth and kisses Blaine and it's not even supposed to happen - he lies and Blaine believes, smiles and kisses him and tastes like chocolate and something bitter and_ Blaine_. He has his lungs full of fairy dust and he suffocates and dies, except he doesn't.

He drowns into melted chocolate, hopes it will get hard enough to make him untouchable and stops crying. He dries his eyes and paints on a chocolate smile, kisses Blaine's cheek and acts like he's supposed to.

He hopes it's enough.

—

_iii. silhouette_

There's no fairy dust left on their curtains, shadows move too quickly and Kurt's eyes are burning. So is his skin, and Blaine doesn't even try to smile as they chase the shadows of their lives.  
They still watch Disney movies, but neither one of them cares enough to pretend that nothing changed, because something changed somewhere between frogs and princesses, the names of Disney princesses are lost in the corner of the couch and Blaine's bottom teeth, and Kurt doesn't know why he keeps doing this.

Blaine wraps his arms around Kurt's middle as they watch the sun set together, and whispers into his ear. "Are we even people anymore?", and Kurt doesn't have an answer.

Blaine can't catch the shadows and neither can Kurt.

—

_iv. cold_

There may have been a few time they danced with bloody fingertips, maybe, flushed crimson and tipping over the edge of the blade, leaving red tears behind and transparent ones ahead.

They dance together, still apart, with the darkness and blood between their bodies, fingers grasping each other tightly, blood mixing even though it's the same already. Kurt giggles breathily, his wrists could as well be split open and he smiles at the moon. And it smiles back. "Pure", it says. _Pure_, he agrees happily. Blaine takes him into his arms and loves him, loves him like the moon and the stars love him.

God looks away as scarlet stains the cement.

—

_v. drugs or me_

They're sinking into a hole.

It's a roller coaster, Kurt thinks. Roller coaster of emotions and love, and in the other end is Blaine, waiting for him with his arms spread open and smile on his laugh, telling him that if he survives this, he can survive of anything.

Blaine smiles and laughs and fades into nothingness as the roller coaster speeds past him, and Kurt tries to reach out for him - but he's already gone and his tears taste like Blaine's.

And when the roller coaster stops, and other people climb out, Kurt stays in his seat because Blaine is not there. He's not there and as the endless ride starts again, he sees Blaine making his way towards him.

He's too late and sinking already.

—

_vi. the kill_

There are days all they can do is lie on a couch and trace random patterns on each other's skin. Blaine's hands travel down Kurt's stomach, stop to rest on his hip bones, his breathing tickling Kurt's neck and Kurt leans into the touch.

It's supposed to be their day off, off of work, off of responsibilities, off of _drugs_, but it's too much, Blaine's fingers on his lips and he craves for the fairy dust in his eyes, stumbles and reaches for the drawer and the kiss they share is messy, bitter and Kurt cries a little, because it feels like snow on fire and the ceiling is screaming at him. "Sinful", it says. _I don't care_, he replies. "You should", it answers. _I know_, he says, kisses Blaine back and let's go.

And afterwards they clean up, share kisses that could be sweet but are not, there's glitter on the bed sheets and Kurt smiles a little, sad half-smile.

Because they're killing each other, with bitter mouths and glitter air, lungs full of water and heads under the surface, they hold onto each other and drag one another deeper.

So they sink.

~ end


End file.
